(aka “How to Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body for Hotter Sex” – Part 1 of 2)
Several years ago, I did a little survey, and about a thousand people responded, about 50/50 men and women. After the 20 questions and multiple choice, I had an open-ended question about your greatest challenge when making love with a partner.
After analyzing all the open-ended questions, I found it quite interesting that the #1 general concern men expressed was something like, “If I could just get her out of her head and into her body, that would resolve most of our sexual problems.”
And you know what the women said their biggest problem was? You guessed it. “I have trouble getting out of my head and into my body for sex!” Flip side of the same coin.
Anatomically, women have a greater challenge with this. Women have a lot more connections between the right and left hemispheres of our brains than men do.
So it’s more difficult than it usually is for a man, to switch off our left-brain cognitive thinking (along with the “to-do” list and stresses of daily life) and drop into our right-brain sensual and emotional pleasure.
What to do?
I’ll share a couple of tricks I use and have recommended to a number of my private female clients with terrific results. Here we go…
Talk “Dirty” Without Being Dirty
People often tell me, “My partner wants me to talk dirty – but I don’t know how to talk dirty!”
Others tell me they would like their partner to talk dirty during sex, but their partner is reluctant to do so. I think this is because it feels un-natural or inauthentic. Or they may feel they’re violating a personal or religious standard of decency.
Even if these aren’t factors, and you’re willing to try, but “talking dirty” doesn’t come naturally, what do you do? Make something up or say something you heard in porn? Please don’t – it defeats the purpose!
Why? …because at least one of you is thinking and not fully present to your physical and emotional experience of pleasure.
But there is another way to “talk dirty” that really works, feels authentic, and is a turn-on for both of you…
Talk graphically about your physical experience – describe what’s turning you on (or feels like it could turn you on if you got more of it).
If you’re a woman, let’s say your partner is caressing you. You can say, “Oh, it’s such a turn on the way you tease me by circling my breasts before you get to my nipples.”
You can’t say that without tuning into your body, right? Or you might say, “Mmmm… I love the way you suck my clit while you flick it with your tongue. It makes me want more.”
Or during intercourse, you can say, “The way you fill me up feels so good,” or “I feel the luscious heat of your cock inside me,” or “Oh, when we turn to this angle, your thrusting triggers a whole new sensation inside me.”
Do you see how this kind of play-by-play can be a turn-on for both parties while being authentic? It also helps a man know how to pleasure a woman even more.
Emotionally, in addition to expressing words of love and affection, you can describe your physical expressions of those emotions, like “When you envelop me in your strong arms, I feel so feminine, in a way that makes me feel safe enough to let go.” Or, “The love I feel right now makes my heart swell – these are happy tears.”
You can’t say those things when you’re in your head. You have to be tuned in to your bodily sensations and your emotions in order to come up with those words. You have to focus enough on your physical and pleasure sensations to be able to describe it.
This is not necessarily “talking dirty.” But it’s what most people are looking for when they say that, because it’s talking graphically in an authentic way that’s a real turn-on for both parties. No need to be eloquent or poetic, just say it the way you feel it.
If you’re a man, you can help a women get out of her head and into her body by describing your physical experience too. It’s a turn-on for a woman to focus on her body, and she loves for you to see her as desirable.
You can help her experience her pleasure with your words, like “Your skin is so yummy and soft – I really feel enveloped in it,” or “When I see your pussy all puffy and pink and your clit standing at attention, it’s so beautiful. You’re such a glorious sexual goddess.” Or, “I can feel every delicious nook and cranny of your cave with my cock.”
This helps bring her focus where you both want it –in your bodies and feelings, not your heads!
Keep an eye out for Part 2, where I’ll discuss another way to let your voice turn you both on…