Have you fallen into this rut, which so many couples in long-term relationships fall into?
It’s when one or both of you don’t move very far beyond “interest” to real desire, much less passion and high arousal, before having sex.
When was the last time you did something together — anything! …just for the delicious pleasure of doing it? (OK, let’s not count ice cream or chocolate.)
It’s probably been a while, right?
In today’s society, it’s very common to feel like everything has to be a means to an end, and sex is no different.
Unfortunately, this leads to rushing through sex and only scratching the surface of the lovemaking landscape. To fully express the love you and your partner feel for each other and experience the greatest pleasure possible, it’s important to move beyond just “interest” to true arousal before going all the way to penetration.
If you engage in sexual penetration before both you and your partner are truly aroused, it easily becomes a routine or merely a method for releasing tension — instead of an exciting and passionate expression of love. (This is true for solo sex too.)
And then, one or both of you rolls over, staring at the opposite wall feeling strangely alone.
“Quickies” have their place, just like fast food.
There’s nothing wrong with using sex to help you relax to get a good night’s sleep (hey, it’s one of the potential “perks” of having a partner). But when “quickies” become a steady diet, it can prevent you from experiencing the full ecstatic potential of your lovemaking.
Ironically, in western culture, we’ve received the conditioning that we want to be aroused, but that as soon as we are aroused, we should ideally get rid of our arousal by having sex and an orgasm. A little crazy, when you think about it.
It doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.”
Consider an alternative to this all-or-nothing perspective – that there can be a pleasurable continuum of arousal to be savored every step along the way.
If you’re both willing to explore and enjoy the subtle nuances of a broad continuum of arousal, try allowing your sexual energy to build gradually over hours or days, or even longer (perhaps like you did when your relationship was new). With little peaks and valleys, it grows.
Explore what works to ignite your sexual energy (and your partner’s) through such activities as:
- Flirtation (like revealing a glimpse of boob, or playfully and appreciatively grabbing and massaging your sweetie’s butt at an unexpected moment)
- Sensual touch (like when you’re watching TV or changing clothes) and a little (or a lot) of sensual, even erotic, massage when you’re in bed, just for the pleasure of it
- Loving communication — expressing your appreciation for your partner (any time of day, and often)
- Eye contact (soft gaze, not staring) — anytime, including before and during lovemaking
- All forms of kissing (in all kinds of places) and
- Spreading a little whipped cream, chocolate syrup, honey, or such on your body, and offering your partner “dessert.”
Humor can be an aphrodisiac, but many people are reluctant to engage in sexual playfulness if they’re not ready to “go all the way” to penetration, because they fear they may arouse and then disappoint their partner (or themselves). This is what happens when you view sex as a means to an end, but it is easier to break this cycle than you might think!
Spend some time trying the strategies above, and pretty soon you’ll discover there’s a wide range of delicious sexual playfulness, sensuality and arousal to be experienced and enjoyed. Then, when you’re both really cookin’ and ready to spend the time and energy on a full-blown sexual lovemaking encounter, you may find the long-awaited results truly and profoundly ecstatic!