A business consultant I once got advice from told me her most powerful sexual experiences were with a man who demanded she open her eyes during sex. (Yes, as a sex and intimacy coach, people seem compelled to share their most intimate secrets with me unbidden.)
This woman was in her 20s when she was with this man and strongly revolted by his demand. But she gradually acquiesced and discovered the beauty and intimacy of gazing into her lover’s eyes.
Eventually, he convinced her to maintain eye contact during orgasm. She says she’s in a wonderful relationship now with a man who is a satisfying lover. But when she thinks of sexual passion, the experience she remembers most was that one, over 30 years ago, looking into the eyes of that long-ago lover as she climaxed.
Anybody can have sex. But lovers who want more than just physical stimulation and release…
…who want to share an expanded experience that can lead to greater emotional and spiritual connection…
…can begin with more eye contact. Yikes!?!
Yes, this type of intimacy might be a bit scary at first. For many people, prolonged eye contact at any time can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. But allowing it, rather than avoiding it, can also be very bonding.
It is often easier to withdraw into your own experience during lovemaking, especially at the height of arousal. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but if a deeper connection with your lover is what you want, you might explore going beyond your bodies.
You can practice with any friend or loved one. If it’s not already a regular part of your sharing, you might want to discuss this with the other person first. Start in a non-sexual situation, gazing into each other’s “windows of the soul” with eyes soft and unfocused, your faces relaxed with no additional expressions or verbalization.
Start with about one minute, and gradually increase the time as your comfort level grows. Initially, after each time, you can discuss what it felt like with your partner, whatever comes up, because sharing your internal experience in and of itself also enhances intimacy. Eventually, you’ll find a frequently shared deep silent connection requires no follow-up discussion.
With a lover, once you’re both comfortable with the first part, try holding your mutual eye gaze on and off during sexual lovemaking. As your bond deepens, you may eventually feel ready to have eye contact during orgasm.
It may be challenging, because we tend to close our eyes and focus internally during orgasm. Yet it’s especially powerful, because during orgasm, we momentarily “lose ourselves;” we become ego-less, and allowing another human being a view into your soul at the moment you let go into orgasmic bliss can be an incredibly profound intimate experience.
Whether or not you have a lover, you can experiment daily having a deeper connection with everyone you meet. Try making real eye contact (not staring) when interacting with the clerk at the grocery store, a friend or business associate, or the person sitting across from you on the bus. No words or gestures need be added to your interaction, simple eye contact acknowledges a person’s presence.
This can be surprisingly fulfilling. This practice has made me aware of how my default mode is to interact with others without really looking at them, without any real connection, but that such a connection is always available.
It is so close and so easy and mutually satisfying to access it.
Everyone you see, you say to them:
(Of course you do not do this out loud;
Otherwise, someone would call the cops.)
Still though, think about this,
This great pull in us
Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying,
With that sweet moon language,
What every other eye in this world
Is dying to