HAPPY THANKSGIVING FOR THOSE OF YOU IN THE US!
Any Day is a Good Day to Give Thanks for Your Relationships, Intimate and Otherwise.
If the entirety of a love partnership is not a priority in your life, then the sexual aspect of your relationship will never be as fulfilling as it can be for both of you.
It’s easy to forget how much we and our partners change over the course of a relationship, and it’s important to acknowledge change to keep our relationships conscious and vital. All of this actually applies to the non-intimate relationships in our lives too, but since this is Extatica, I’ll speak in terms of lovers.
The sexual aspect of a relationship is where the most communication is needed, but for the typical couple it’s the area where communication is most lacking.
Here’s an exercise you can do with your love partner. Pick a time and non-sexual setting where there are no distractions. Sit facing each other with eye-to-eye contact, and take turns doing the following:
- Share your appreciation for your partner — in detail.
This is a crucial first step, as it helps to open the receiver’s heart for deep listening. (It’s a good idea to include something you appreciate about them physically, like their scent, a body part you admire, the feel of their skin or how they touch yours, and so on.)
- Share what you need in the relationship, sexually or otherwise. Again, be specific.
Most of us are very vulnerable around the subject of our sexuality and our ability to be an adequate love partner. So speak in a way that doesn’t make your partner wrong for past acts or omissions. Don’t expect a commitment from your partner to meet your needs. Speak your truth as candidly and kindly as you can, and don’t be attached to the outcome.
Some people need a little time to feel like they are responding to a partner’s needs because they want to, not because they are expected to. Ideally, you partner will acknowledge hearing what you have shared.
If your partner doesn’t want to participate in a formal exercise, here are some thoughts on doing this in a non-structured way. First, simply find a good time to express appreciation to your partner for your lovemaking or other traits or contributions he or she makes to your relationship. Then state that there’s something more you want to share. If you feel vulnerable, let him or her know that you simply want them to listen, and that you need to feel safe sharing.
Once you’ve said what you want to convey, express your appreciation for your partner’s listening, and be done with it. Don’t pressure him or her into responding or doing the two steps too. Let your vulnerability and honesty conveyed with love serve as a model for future communication.