Do you remember how exciting kissing was, once upon a time… maybe as a teenager, when you knew that kissing was as far as you would go? (This was a fairly extended period of time for me since, as my sons say, I was a “goody two-shoes” in high school. And I could have easily been voted “least likely to become a sex coach.”)
I remember being 16 and kissing my boyfriend until my lips were swollen and as puffed up as roasted marshmallows. I would dash to my bedroom after a date not wanting to see my parents, terrified they would notice and tease me about it.
Nowadays it’s hard to imagine how kissing could make my lips swell like that, but it reminds me of the passionate potential of prolonged kissing and how important it is for it to be really pleasurable.
The lips and mouth are among our most sensual body parts, densely laden with nerves. Babies explore the world through their mouths and, as a result, babies experience the whole world as erotic.
We can express many moods, from affection to passion to boredom, through our kisses while perceiving a lot about what our partner is feeling. But people often get stuck in a rut with the same old kissing technique, especially if they have been with the same lover for a long time.
Sadly, I talk with women all the time who say they don’t really enjoy the way their partner kisses them. (It works both ways – many men say the same thing about their partners.)
It doesn’t have to be this way!
Whether you’re in a new relationship or a long-term marriage, the instructions below will help both you and your partner both get the kissing you most desire as well as bring in some variety for that “spice of life.” It will also help you establish a foundation for taking it to the next level – giving and receiving feedback about what you like sexually.
How to Do It
If you have a partner, find a quiet time when you feel like sharing or being close, but not necessarily “going all the way.” Set the scene for sensuality – turn the lights down low and put on some romantic music.
You can introduce this by asking your partner if he or she would like to do a little kissing game that you read about. (The word “game” helps get them interested, because it suggests it will be fun, which it is.)
Basically, you ask your partner how he or she likes to be kissed, and then take turns showing each other, one at a time, exactly how it’s done.
Here’s the “step-by-step:”
1. Decide who will be partner A and who will be B.
2. A demonstrates to B how they would like to be kissed.
3. B kisses A in the same way, as best they can.
4. A gives B feedback.
It’s very important to be positive! Always begin your feedback with positive acknowledgement for anything that was right or on the right track, before giving suggestions for refinement.
If your partner is totally off base, you can say something, like, “I love your enthusiasm,” or “You get an ‘A’ for effort!” “Now, would you please try it with your lips softer, like this?” (demonstrate again)
5. B tries again. Repeat until A really likes it.
6. Switch roles and repeat Steps #2-5.
7. Continue to take turns for several more rounds.
Experiment with at least eight to ten more styles of kissing, each time with the receiving partner trying to replicate the kiss and the initiating partner giving gentle feedback until they get it right (or close).
Step outside your box and make it fun!
Explore various moods of kissing, like passionate, abandoned, sweet, seductive, playful, teasing.
Try exploring the many possible stages of kissing, from teasing and foreplay, to deep penetration.
Explore gentle, dry soft-lipped caresses, tenderly kissing all along your lover’s upper and lower lips, puckered kisses, playful nibbling, possibly with your teeth and one lip. Then you might proceed to soft licking, exploring your partner’s outer lips with your tongue, moving deeper to explore his or your inner lips and tongue.
There are even many variations on French kissing, intermittently inserting your tongue in your lover’s mouth, deep thrusts, teasing shallow thrusts, flicking and/or circling his or her tongue, sucking your partner’s tongue, alternating French with other types of kisses. Explore being the one who penetrates the other with your tongue as well as the one receiving and responding.
For a unique perspective and new sensation, try approaching your lover’s lips upside down, that is, with your chin toward his or her forehead. Feels like a new person! You can start exploring all over again, and it will feel totally different.
Have fun… and a few chuckles. (Laughter is a great aphrodisiac, by the way.)