Interview with Chad
(Page 2)
All the girls that I knew were really into sex, in the sense that they enjoyed it and they liked it, and they had it, and it wasn't an issue for them. There wasn't a good girl/bad girl thing. If they wanted to, they did; and if they didn't, they didn't. And I came to discover that that was much rarer than I thought. So, in your experience with girls, do you think that they're more casual about sex than they once were? Not necessarily having it, but just their attitude towards it, in talking about it.
More casual than they were, as far as I know, 50 years ago, or 30 years ago.
Yeah, like your mom's generation.
Yeah, definitely much more open. At least more open in talking about it. The girls I know, for the most part, are open about talking about it. I think that's good. Same with the guys. But I find that it's easier to talk to girls about sex than guys. And maybe that's part of the porno coming in there. I mean, I find it hard to talk to guys about emotional issues anyway. They just think it's weird. And maybe they're afraid to talk to me about that kind of stuff, because they think I think it’s weird.
So you end up talking to your girlfriends about that kind of stuff?
Pretty much.
Do you think that guys think that girls who talk about sex are more slutty? Do people still call people sluts?
No. Guys never call girls sluts. It's girls that call girls sluts.
Really!
Yeah. Girls are so vicious! I can't even believe it. I mean, if there's a guy I don't like, I just won't associate with him. But if a girl doesn't like another girl, call her bitch and a slut and a whore behind her back and a whole bunch of really horrible things, like stupid skanky cum-guzzling queen.
That's impressive.
[Laughs.] I actually heard that one. It's not good. So, I think it's really the girls that judge each other, not the guys that judge girls. I don't necessarily think it's good for a girl to be a virgin. I don't want to date a girl who's a virgin, because virgins tend to be more willing to have sex. And I prefer to have a relationship in which I sleep with my girlfriend, so ….
Are any of your friends allowed to have their girlfriend or boyfriend openly spend the night, and not just for convenience sake?
No, I don't think so.
I had two friends whose parents did that, and I thought it was the coolest thing.
I think it's good. I think it's very good if parents were willing to do that, simply because, when a guy and a girl spend the night together, if they're actually sleeping with each other, then that raises the comfort level. And that really leaves room for the more emotional part of sex, you know. Having sex and then sleeping together, there's something special about that that a teenager rarely gets to do, because of parental restrictions. And I would like to do that, but it's not really possible for me. My girlfriends' parents in the past haven't been okay with that. So, then what happens is you just have sex and then one of us has to leave because of our parents. So, by our parents restricting us they're not stopping us from having sex, which is their ultimate goal. What they're really stopping is the intimate part of it.
I hadn't thought about it quite that way.
I think if kids really understood the emotions involved, they'd wait longer and be more careful. I think that's why I waited longer than I had to, not longer than most of my friends, but still, longer than I had to. Because I wanted to be involved in the emotional part. Had my parents not talked to me about that, I might have had sex earlier in a more risky situation, and not enjoyed it as much, even. So, I think that by parents talking with their kids more about the emotional stuff, the emotional issues, the kids will actually make better decisions regarding sex.
When you talk about the emotional issues, what emotions are you referring to specifically that have to do with sex?
Love is one. Generally, either it's passion, lust, or love, and there's also issues that happen afterwards. You know, there could be anger and fear—anger for having sex at a bad time, fear of pregnancy, disease—if people don't discuss it first. And sadness or being upset, because maybe it didn't mean anything to the guy, and it did to the girl, or vice versa. That's quite possible. For me, if I slept with a girl that I really liked and it didn't mean anything to her, I would be hurt. So, there's that. I think the more parents talk with their kids about that kind of stuff, the better off the kids are going to be, and the smarter the decisions they’re going to make.
After you lost your virginity, did you feel like you were a different person?
Definitely. I remember walking around that next day at school like, “oh I had sex! Hey, have you been to Tibet? Well, I have, yes! Yes, I'm at the top of the world today!” And ever after, I suppose.
Yeah. Did it almost feel like you were inducted into the adult society—like suddenly everything made more sense?
Definitely.
Maybe part of it, too, is that before you have sex, you have just never been that close to another human being, not in that way. Not that intimately. And you're right. They don't teach that in sex ed at all. No, they don't even touch upon it. It’s like in my mom’s experience. Her parents didn't talk to her about it all. They maybe mentioned it once, under duress. Then, if you had sex, you were a bad girl, and if you didn't, you were a good girl. And it was completely confusing for her.
You were a prude or a slut.
Right, absolutely. And so, that was my mom's experience. And I know that she wanted to be sure and not do that with me. And that's one of the reasons why that my mom talked to me the most, compared with all my friends and their moms. My friends’ parents wouldn't talk about it, or were uncomfortable. And I think it's because they weren't comfortable with themselves, in a sense. I think you really have to be comfortable with yourself to talk about sex. So that might be one reason too, like you were saying earlier, that guys don't want to talk to other guys, too.
Yeah. I'd be comfortable talking to other guys, but generally, other guys aren't that comfortable talking about it. And, you know, I'm okay with that, because I could talk to a lot of girls about it. I think girls have a better perspective on it anyway—or at least they're more willing to admit their perspective. I just had a thought. We haven’t talked about the mix of drugs and sex, or alcohol and sex. I think that is important to discuss.
Do you think that a lot of kids that you know ended up having sex because they got drunk and it was easier to have sex?
Here's my theory on getting drunk and having sex. For guys, they just like the feeling of being drunk. Although, I can't imagine why any guy would want to have sex all drunk because it can cause impotence and embarrassing things. And as far as girls go, it's always surprised me - why a girl would drink at a party, or in a situation where it's quite likely she'll end up having sex with somebody while drunk. I know a lot of girls that that's happened to. And, although most girls won't admit this, a couple claim, and many guys claim, that this is the case. That a girl will get herself drunk or stoned so that she can have an excuse to have sex, or to have had sex. So she can say, oh yeah, I did sleep with him, but I was drunk, so it's okay. Then, people don't judge her for having had sex. They don't say she's a slut; they just say, oh, she was drunk. I think it's ridiculous. I've never had sex drunk or high. Maybe it's something I should try, but it's not really my style. I think there's too much involved in sex, to do it while under the influence. But, I don't know yet. Maybe I'll try it sometime.
Is sex on X still popular?
On Ecstasy? Oh, I've heard it's really bad to have sex on Ecstasy. One of the reasons I've heard is that because your pleasure sensors are already stimulated, it may be such an overload that it just makes you depressed afterwards, like nothing could ever be that great again. That could get you really addicted to both sex and Ecstasy. I think that's a bad combination. Perhaps that has the same result as heroine, whereas the first trip is always the best, and then you strive forever after to try to get back to that first high. But I think it may be just too much of an overload of pleasure, to have sex on Ecstasy. But, people do. They're also damaging their bodies. It hurts your nerves, as far as I've heard. I don't really know. I've never taken it, or been interested in taking it. Although some people I know have. I remember one guy said, “yeah, I took E the other night. And I'm a changed man.” And he didn't have sex or anything. He just felt differently. So I don't know if it screwed up his head or something.
When I was younger, they had “Sex on X” T-shirts, and people would wear them at clubs. I think it was right when X became illegal. So, it was definitely something to be aspired to, sort of a legendary status kind of thing. I’d say at the time, most people in that scene believed they should try sex on X, at least once in their life.
How about sex on spiritual ecstasy?
Well, that's the thing. It's interesting, because I had my share of sex in altered states. But the older I get, the more I really notice the difference. And it's not about technique. It's the inability to connect, literally, chakra to chakra. It’s the strangest sensation, to be that physically close but not be able to connect. I would agree that people sometimes purposely remove themselves from a situation, so they're numb, so they can do it.
Mentally numb.
Yeah, they're mentally numb, so they don't have to actually experience it. So let’s see, there were a few last questions I wanted to be sure and ask. So, did your conversations with your parents change over time, about sex? Like with your dad, did it stay technical? Or did it evolve at all?
Oh, no, it evolved. Once I had sex, he told me a little bit more about it. But, it's hard to remember exactly what he said. I think my dad eventually talked more about love than sex, and all that. And I think he's even more open about it now, than he was in the past. I told him I was having sex when he just asked one day. I didn't go up and tell him. I didn't tell either of my parents. But I never lied to them. When they asked me if I was having sex, I said yes. And I think that's fine. I didn't really feel like I wanted to go up to them and say, Hey! Guess what I did! But once they asked, I might as well tell them. And I guess I'm glad I did, because they both told me more about stuff.
How about your girlfriends? Did they tell their parents when they had sex?
My girlfriends? No.
No?
Neither of them did. Certainly, my first girlfriend did not, and perhaps her parents still don't know. Her parents are very conservative, and I think her parents would not have tolerated it at all. As far as my other girlfriend, her dad did find out that we had sex, because he found a condom in the trash can. That was bad. He called my parents, and he was like, oh, I found this used condom in the trash can! I think it was my mom he talked to, and she was thinking, well, at least they used a condom! I guess my girlfriend's dad had the idea that he could just stop his daughter from having sex. And that is an impossibility. Just like a prison rarely rehabilitates an inmate, a parent telling their kid not to have sex is simply not going to work.
Any last thoughts?
I think the worst thing a parent can do is to completely disagree with their kids, because kids have a natural tendency to rebel. If their parents told them “absolutely not, for any reason, it's not up for discussion,” then the kid's just going to go ahead and rebel. That's exactly what kids do, and that's what adults do too. Everybody likes to rebel. It's a necessary part of human nature. But if the parent is willing to compromise and really talk with their kids about whatever the subject is, and find some commonality, some level on which they can talk with their kids about it and not be so opposite, then that's much better. The kid will start to listen, because it's harder to rebel against someone whose ideas are just like yours.
That's great. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
