What Is Polyamory?
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Definitions

So what is polyamory? The word polyamory comes from Greek and Latin roots meaning "many loves." I use it to describe the whole range of lovestyles which arise from an understanding that love can not be forced to flow, or not flow, in any particular direction. Love which is allowed to expand often grows to include a number of people. But to me, polyamory has more to do with an internal attitude of letting love evolve without expectations and demands than it does with the number of partners involved.

The term polyamory was first proposed by Church of All Worlds founders Oberon and Morning Glory Zell to replace the awkward expression responsible nonmonogamy. Cyberspace conversations via the Internet and the World Wide Web popularized its use all around the world over the last several years and helped bring it into general usage. However, we can better understand the meaning of polyamory by taking a look at the more descriptive words responsible nonmonogamy.

The nonmonogamy part of the equation, while difficult to say swiftly, is far easier to describe than the responsible part. Nonmonogamy used to mean having more than one spouse during your lifetime. Now it means having more than one sexual partner during the same time period. Whether the partners are married, legally or spiritually, and even how they interact sexually is not particularly relevant to our definition of nonmonogamy. We're simply speaking of all sexualoving relationships other than those limited to two people.

Singles who are dating more than one person are nonmonogamous, and couples who are sexual with others with or without the knowledge and consent of their primary partners are nonmonogamous. Three or more people who consider themselves to be married are nonmonogamous. Anyone with a circle of sexual friends is nonmonogamous. People who resume a sexual relationship with an ex-spouse or lover after finding a new partner are nonmonogamous. Even people who choose to have no sexualoving partners at all and remain celibate may be nonmonogamous.

Over the last several decades a number of words and phrases have been used to describe specific forms of responsibly nonmonogamous relationships. Some of these are polyfidelity, open marriage, open relationship, group marriage, multilateral marriage, intimate network, and triad. Other less specific terms include expanded family, nonexclusive relationship, intimate friendship and inclusive relationship.

Polyamory can include all of these, and it is not limited to any one of them. In fact, polyamory even includes couples who are currently monogamous, but who do not necessarily intend to remain exclusive forever. One thing all these types of relationships have in common is that they are both sexual and loving or sexualoving with no separation between the sex and the love. In other words, we're not talking about casual, indiscriminate sport sex.

Another thing that polyamorous relationships have in common is that they involve consciously choosing a particular lovestyle, rather than simply accepting the type of relationship which is most common in any given time and place. In polyamory you can design a relationship to fit your individual needs rather than automatically doing the same thing that everybody else does.

Polyamorous relationships may differ, however, in their basic intentions and approaches. Some polyamorous relationships resemble traditional monogamous marriage in their emphasis on creating an impermeable boundary around the group, operating according to a well defined set of rules (sometimes called a social contract), and expecting family members to replace individual desires with group agendas. I call this type of relationship old paradigm regardless of whether it is polyamorous or monogamous.

Other polyamorous relationships have a primary focus on using the relationship to further the psychological and spiritual development of the partners. These relationships tend to put more emphasis on responding authentically in the present moment, allowing for individual autonomy, and seeing loved ones as mirrors or reflections of oneself. These new paradigm relationships may also be either monogamous or polyamorous. Of course, many people these days are in transition and find themselves attempting to blend elements of old and new paradigms as well as monogamous and polyamorous lovestyles, but these distinctions are useful in clarifying the direction in which we wish to move.

Another dimension we must consider is the diversity of forms polyamory can take. In order to do this we need to have at our disposal language that enables us to communication without resorting to conventional words that are judgmental, value-laden, or ambiguous. To that end, we propose the following terms.

Primary relationship. Lovers who are in a long-term, committed, marriage-type relationship are primary partners. Usually primary partners live together and share finances, parenting and decision making. Primary partners are not necessarily legally married, but they are bonded together as a family.

Secondary relationship. Secondary partners may also have a long-term, committed sexualoving relationship. But usually they live separately, have separate finances and see themselves as close friends rather than immediate family. Secondary partners may take on roles in each other's families similar to those of cousins, aunts and uncles in an extended family or blood relations.

Tertiary relationship. Lovers who spend time together only once in a while or for a brief time are tertiary partners. Their contract may be very intimate, but they are not an important part of each other's day to day life.

Polyamory can be practiced by any number of partners in any combination of primary, secondary, and tertiary relationships. While some polyamorous people object to the whole concept of hierarchies of commitment and rankings of love (as in the old Chinese practice of "number one wife"), varying levels of affinity can occur naturally. This diversity of form, along with the realization that identical forms may result from radically different dynamics, automatically creates a social environment different from our familiar homogeneous, avowedly monogamous culture. And this diversity challenges us to develop ethical guidelines which apply to the quality rather than the form of the relationship.

What Forms Can Polyamory Take?

Open marriage or open relationship. These are both nonexclusive couple relationships, the main difference being whether the couple is married or not. In this scenario the partners have agreed that each can independently have outside sexualoving partners. A wide variety of ground rules and restrictions may apply.

Intimate network. This is a lovestyle in which several ongoing secondary relationships coexist. Sometimes all the members of the group eventually become lovers. Sometimes individuals have only two or three partners within the group. The group can include singles only, couples only or a mixture of both. Another way to describe it would be as a circle of sexualoving friends.

Group marriage or multilateral marriage. These are both committed, long-term, primary relationships which include three or more adults in a marriage-like relationship. A group marriage can be open or closed to outside sexual partners.

Polyfidelity. A lovestyle in which three or more primary partners agree to be sexual only within their family. Additional partners can be added to the marriage with everyone's consent.

Triad. Three sexualoving partners who may all be secondary, all be primary, or two may be primary with a third secondary. It can be open or closed. A triad can be heterosexual or homosexual, but is often the choice of two same sex bisexuals and an opposite sex heterosexual.

What Polyamory Is Not

Perhaps you are wondering whether polyamory includes swinging? Superficially polyamory and swinging may appear to be the same. Admittedly there is some overlap. But while swinging is generally consensual and honest, the emphasis is usually on recreational sex rather than love and intimacy. My perception is that in swinging people tend to have sex first although they may become friends over time. In polyamory, people are more apt to become friends first although they may later get involved sexually. Swinging offers a maximum of sexual experience with a minimum of emotional involvement. In fact, many swinging couple make it a rule not to fall in love with their swinging partners. Consequently, I view swinging as a hybrid—monogamous on the love dimension while allowing specific nonmonogamous sexual experiences. However, some people start out experimenting with swinging but end up realizing they prefer polyamory—and vice versa.

Swinging and polyamory also differ in that swinging has more of a commercial aspect. Large conventions, glossy magazines, tropical vacation tours, and a national network of swing clubs provide happy hunting grounds for those seeing sexual adventures. Polyamory is less a recreational activity than an alternative way of life which often encompasses economic, nutritional, and political alternatives. It is more likely than swinging to be inclusive of different sexual orientations. Grass roots polyamory support groups are more likely to focus on discussions and potluck dinners than sexy lingerie and the latest in dildos.

Polyamory is not philandering, and it is not a way to justify an uncontrollable urge to continually seek out new partners. Polyamory has nothing to do with proving that you're a real man or a real woman. It's not an excuse for having secret affairs or a means of establishing your independence. It is not simply sex for sex's sake, but an expression of your heart and soul.

Deborah Anapol, PhD in Clinical Psychology, is the author of Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits; and Compersion: Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love. She has been working with groups and individuals exploring conscious relating and sacred sexuality for over twenty years. She is a popular writer, leading-edge teacher, relationship coach, and practicing tantrika. Her work has been featured on Donahue, Sally Jesse Raphael, Real Sex, & radio talk shows nationwide. Deborah's gentle wisdom and courageous heart have inspired many seekers on this path. Visit the Sacred Space Institute she founded at www.lovewithoutlimits.com

To purchase Dr. Anapol's other book, Compersion: Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love, visit the bookstore section of www.lovewithoutlimits.com